Caterpillars must become butterflies

Yard day! About every 3 months or so I order the family to head outside and help clean up the back yard. No fun, no fun at all. We have to trim trees, pick up dog poop, rake and mow the lawn, you know the drill. The last job we had today was taking some big limbs to the dumpster about 3.78 miles from the house. During that ride Brooke, who went with me, and I had a funny short conversation that has turned into my next blog. She asked “How do caterpillars know that they are suppose to turn into butterflies?” So here is 11.73 conversations that happen just prior to butterfly hood.

1. My back is hurting and I have some kind of growth happening.
2. I am so tired of crawling around, I feel like crawling into a sleeping bag for a few weeks.
3. Did you see what happen to Danny the other day, he sprouted wings, I want wings too. Wings, what are wings? Those things on Danny’s back, look there he goes now. Oh those, I though they were called Microchiroptera! Yea, you could call them that too, Don’t talk to me any more, Bill.
4. I heard that hanging upside down was good for back pain, give it a shot.
5. I’ve heard that humans go through this crazy little thing call puberty, I’m so glad nothing like that happens to me!
6. Last night, in the dark, I accidentally crawled across a huge pile of dog poop, I guess there is no way around that problem.
7. If I had wings, so help me I would fly straight into a car’s windshield and show them who’s the boss!
8. HEY DANNY, BILL AND I WANT TO KNOW WHERE DID YOU GOT THOSE MICROCHIROPTERAS!
9. Oh Billy, what are you doing in the bathroom for so long, turn the water off and come out right now!
10. Hey man you should get into a cocoon, all the cool caterpillars are doing it. You are cool, aren’t ya?
11. Wow my mom was right! She said if I keep that up I was going to grow wings.

11.73 COME ON DANNY, STOP SCREWING AROUND AND PU……

Ice cubes

I have the best time talking to my daughter. We can make up stuff on the fly and have long discussions about what things are saying to each other. For example, what the toaster is saying to the bread, what two birds are saying to each other on a telephone pole or what two trees think when their branches touch. Whenever I take her to school I make sure the radio is off because anything we talk about is way better then what the morning breakfast club has to say. Today I would like to tell you the 11.73 things ice cubes are thinking or saying as they are melting. (A portion of this was taken from a conversation my daughter and I had over the summer.)

1. Do I look thinner? I feel thinner. No, really, am I getting smaller or is it my imagination? I swear I feel like I’m getting thinner. This belt didn’t fit me earlier but now it does.
2. I think later today I am going to see a doctor, I feel kind of warm.
3. Man, I thought being separated in that blue tray was bad, this stinks standing on Eddie’s head.
4. I remember my water days, things weren’t so bad. I’m looking forward to going back to them.
5. Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together. This is not a time to be thinking crazy.
6. God, if you are up there and can get me out of this heat, I promise I will never insult those light weight meals I as sitting next to again…ever.
7. I wonder if any fictional Witch like character from a movie released in 1939 ever went through anything this bad.
8. If I can get one person to step on me and fall, I will feel like I didn’t live my life in vein.
9. I’m telling you I know I’m getting thinner. Just look at me, I LOOK THINNER!
10. I know my brother was carved into a swan, eagle or something noble like that but sitting here in this Margarita is the only way to go.
11. Must….write….note…before…I….go. Can’t….leave….small… puddle….like…Derick….did…
11.73. Look at me, I am really getting thi….

11.73 snottiest, stuck up letters in the alphabet.

One thing that really gets under my skin is when people act like they are so much better than you. The term for that is according to my 12 yr old daughter is uppity, my 15 year old son calls it being a stuck up. According to my wife it is called being snooty. I would call it being conceited. You get the idea. While I started to think maybe this happens in the world of English letters. So here is my list of the top 11.73 snottiest, stuck up conceited letters in the alphabet.

1. “A” of course because it is first like in the word Alpha.
2. “F” because it can spell the mother of all dirty words, just saying you F gets your point across.
3. “T” because it gets used so much in so many words.
4. “E” is used to help out other letters being that it is a vowel.
5. “M” spells words like Mob, Metal, Mission and Mean. So “M” tries to push the other letters around.
6. “S” thinks he is all that and a bag of chips. Like the word chip is just one, add an “S” now you have many chips.
7. “G” & “Y” when they are together because they end so many important terms such as Sociology, antilogy, antitechnology, apology, bacteriology, bilgy campanology, cardiology, immunohematology, immunology. You get the idea.
8. “Z” because it doesn’t lend itself to many words. Even when you see a commercial or printed add for the steak house know as sizzler, the Z’s are always bigger…jerk!
9. “W” is up there but at least “W” is able to hang with the with the normal letters.
10. “P” thinks it’s poop don’t stick because when you sing the alphabet song you kind of take a breath right there. You would really punch that letter as you continued singing the rest of the song. Are you singing it now?
11.73 “N” starts one of the wors….

Please don’t get me started on the inter workings of punctuations. There is that letter “S” again.

11.73 things I should never pay for.

I have come to realize if I put a little effort into it I should never have to pay for these items again. I have tested out my theory and it seems to work. Most of these items are given out freely in all 50 states.

1. Napkins
2. Pens
3. Paper clips
4. Toilet paper
5. Garden hose
6. Newspaper
7. Small breath mints
8. Rocks
9. Long distance calls
10. Straws
11.73 Ticket to a bull…