11.73 things I still do from my childhood.

I am growing up and older but I have come to realize that there are still things I like to do that are the same from when I was a kid. Remember those days before car payments, concerns about our mid section and mortgages? It was a life full of carefree fun. There are moments now that I find myself doing stuff that I use to do as a kid and loving it just as much. Some of the fun stuff I do is so much easier now because no one expects it. In other words, I get away with it because it seems like I made a mistake, when in reality it was totally planned. Here are the 11.73 things I still like to do from my childhood.

1. I like to trap people in revolving doors. You may be asking yourself, when was the last time you did this? I did this in Oregon just last week 11/19/09 at 3:57 to be exact. There was a guy going through the hotel revolving door and I made it look like I went through and my suitcase didn’t. It instantly stopped the door and he kind of ran into it. He looked at me and I just said, “Sorry,” he said “no problem.” Precisely planned event excellently executed.
2. I go around twice in revolving doors. Watch the movie “Elf” and there is a great scene involving this activity. No more to say here.
3. Kicking loose rocks down the street, just to see how far they will go and where they will randomly change course. I do this quite often when I go for my walks in the morning. Very fun, try it.
4. Don’t forget scrunching through huge piles of autumn leaves. Man that sound is so cool. You can pretend you are walking on potato chips, crackers or dried up bones. It all depends on the mood you are in.
5. Puddles! Oh, and the more adult version of veering slightly in the road for a puddle while driving my F150 to make a big whoooshy splash. I just wish we lived in a place where it rains a little more. There was one time, about 2 years ago, I took the kids out to a road that floods and we drove through water that was almost mid tire. So much fun.
6. Every time I come to double doors without a bar in the middle, I throw both of them open at the same time and strut through. The sad part is you don’t see to many of these so when you do don’t let the opportunity pass you up.
7. I pretend I use the force to open up automatic doors. This is as close as I am going to get to being a Jedi. When I feel like a Jedi Master I will use the same “force power” to change red light to green.
8. I snap my fingers instead of use the force to make the doors open. When I’m not in Jedi mode and want to be in my mafia crime boss mode I will snap my finger to open a door. It makes me feel like I am the Godfather. If you really want to enhance this feeling, snap your fingers to open a door at a dollar store with $30 bucks in your pocket. You feel like a millionaire.
9. I’m a fan of balancing on curbs instead of walking on the street. You can pretend all kinds of things. I love when my dog walks behind me while balancing on a curb.
10. Every once in awhile I will go up the stairs on all fours. This one is hard to do when people are watching. It is a lot of fun.
11. I still catch myself trying not to step on cracks on the sidewalk or on certain color tiles in the airport. We just went to a mall not to long ago and I did this. I will often do this in airports. I will choose a color and have to step on it, if not I will fall into the hot lava. This is so much fun and no one knows you are doing it. It is my way of making something mundane into something new and exciting.
11.73 I will try to hold my breath until something happens. For example if I am sitting in an airport I will try to hold my breath until someone who is wearing a blue…

11.73 scents that remind me of something.

I just recently attended a conference at Loma Linda University Medical Center on trauma and how to respond to it. One little fact that I learnt while attending was that smell makes the largest memory markers in our brain. What that means is that, just like a song taking you back to a time or place when you were younger, smells do that too but to a much larger degree. I don’t know much about that because it was just a bunny trail that the speaker when down for a few sentences, but I do know this, certain smells or scents cause me to think of specific people or events. (Hey that rhymed). Here are my top 11.73 scents that remind me of something.

1. BBQing steaks: This reminds me of my dad. I can picture him coming home, firing up the grill and getting ready to burn some meat. Those were good days.
2. Leather: This reminds me of my mom’s 1973 Lincoln Town Car. When they brought that car home brand new I was 8. I remember sitting in it for hours pushing all of the buttons and adjusting the mirrors. I remember treating it like it was space ship.
3. Finger nail polish remover: My sister. Whenever I smell it in our own bathroom now it takes me right back to the house I grew up in. I had to sharing a bathroom with my sister.
4. Dry erase makers: 1989 Ty Sells and I ended up in Washington DC to conduct a youth training. We were staying at a large hotel and used a conference room for the day with about 150 kids. The students were broken up into groups of 10 and given a pack of dry erase markers to do art work, graphs and a variety of other jobs. By the end of the day that aroma was stuck in my nose. Even to this day whenever I have to use a marker it takes me right back there.
5. Gasoline: My very first car. My dad and I went into Mexico and purchased a 1957 Chevy that had been used as a chicken coop. We limped it back across the border and worked on it all summer long. It was cherry when we sold it 4 years later. Every time we would work on it we would end up smelling like gas.
6. Cow manure: This one is a little sad. One of the ways the bus took me to get to my middle school, way out in the country, was right past the Orita Calf Lot. We would go through there early in the morning and you could smell that place miles away. I always wondered how people could live there.
7. Chinese Fried Rice: Reminds of the song, Hotel California by the Eagles. My folks and I use to go to a restaurant in Brawley and it was called the Asia Café. They had great food but not a very good selection on the juke box. My pop would give me a stack of quarters and I would play that song every time we went there.
8. Hot car brakes: Driving down the road from Big Bear California. I never told Kris this but our brakes got really hot and mushy. I thought we were going to go over a cliff. I was a ball of nerves while my beautiful bride slept soundly in the passenger side of the car. Yes, I did stop and let them cool off.
9. Polo Cologne: This reminds me of the care free summer of 1986 with Kris before we were married. I remember going to a shopping mall in Diamond Bar and buying the cologne, along with everyone else, and the Polo soap on a rope.
10. Seaweed: My brother Henry. We spent many a summer, as a family, on a private beach between San Diego and Tijuana. There was always sea weed on the shore when we would go for walks. We would talk about everything and nothing at all for two weeks. What an amazing life I have lived.
11. Clove Cigarettes/Shakey’s Pizza: I remember one of my first days after graduating high school a friend, Dave, and I went out to Shakey’s for a see-you-later-lunch since we wouldn’t be hanging out much now that we had graduated. We talked about the future and what we would do with our lives. After lunch we hung out in the parking lot while he smoked a clove cigarette. We had been really good friends in school and I really liked the guy. He helped me make it through my senior year at a new school. Somehow I knew I would never hang out with him again after that day. Years down the road he took my ticket at a movie theater where he worked in Riverside. I said “hey” and asked how I was doing. I said fine. When I came out after the movie he was gone.
11.73 Windex. It will always remind me of the third year I went to Vegas with the guys. 10 of us guys were packed into 2 adjoining rooms. I ended up on this air mattress with another guy for the night who, all night long continued to….

11.73 thing I have to have closer on.

I need closer. I need to know that an event has been packaged, wrapped and put in the mail…closer. I think it started when I was a kid and use to watch the Bugs Bunny cartoon. At the end of the cartoon Porky the Pig would come on and say, “That all folks!” I new there was no more coming my way. When I give my intern a job I don’t want to think about it again till the job is done, otherwise my brain will not let it go. Now if there are any questions about the job I am happy to answer them, but please don’t keep coming back to me day after day telling me the job isn’t done or asking me the same questions. CLOSER, you get it! I am sure there are many of you have the same thing running through you. So here are the 11.73 thing I have to have closer on.

1. When I am drying my garments I need to hear the buzz sound at the end of the dry cycle. I can feel that the clothes are dry but I’m not sure if there is a cool down cycle. Maybe, just maybe the buzz sound somehow releases the magic drying fairy to go on to their next job at someone else house. Without that buzz sound they are just stuck there wondering if we will turn the drier on for the last few minutes.
2. At the end of a phone call I have to hear good by, talk to you later, call you back, out…something. Otherwise I just figured they hung up mad or our conversation isn’t done. Then I don’t know if to call them back or just wait to see if they call me back. It turns into a confusing night mare of a phone call.
3. The last two bites of my dinner must end well. I will never give those two bites away. If there was a huge explosion in the house on one of those two bites it is just going to have to wait. Here is what I mean by “end well.” The tortilla, salsa and drink all need to be done within those last two bites. I cannot have a glob of salsa left or a huge chunk of tortilla waiting in the wings. It’s all about timing and after 40 years at this I have gotten pretty good, I didn’t do this the first 4 years of eating.
4. I need to hear the flushing sound after I use the toilet. I don’t care if it is actual sound or recorded, I just need to hear it. I have no problem using a port-a-potty, visiting Mexico and Africa has trained me well. The problem occurs when there is no sound at the end of my business. I just don’t feel like I am done and things closed out well.
5. When I am drinking some refreshing beverage through a straw I want to hear that empty sound a drink makes right at the end. I don’t know what that sound is called, I just want to hear it. (Crazy confession.) There has been times when my wife has finished the drink and won the sound, I will go a put a little in the cup so I get that sound too…drink is done. If I am not using a straw, I don’t care about the sound.
6. When I drop off my amazing son or creative daughter off at school I need to see them walk away. I don’t want to look at them through the rear view mirror, I want to see them physically walking away from the car.
7. After speaking at a school or public event for pay, I want my check. I hate it when schools or business have to do the 30 day thing to get me paid out. I feel like I did my part, now you do yours.
8. When ever we leave the house and I am the last one out the front door, I need to hear the click sound that our door makes when you lock the dead bolt. For some reason that lets me know that the place is locked down and we are on our way. If I am not the last one out, I might ask, did you close the door…hard? We have never had any problems with a break in so I don’t know where this comes from, I just need to hear the sound.
9. When I send a text I want to see the “Message sent” mmm…message. I want to know that arrow is out of my quiver and is heading for it’s target. If for some reason I miss it I am always compelled to send it again. Usually I just have to tell myself, it’s never failed you in the past, why would it fail you now?
10. I have to say Amen at the end of my prayers. If I don’t, I get this strange feeling God is hanging in there wondering if I am done talking with him. I think this might go back to number 2. I can just picture Jesus looking around asking the angels, did Ray say Amen? Were we done? How did I miss that? I don’t want to ask him if he’s done because I’m God and I know everything…dang it.
11. I need to say the words, “You’re right, I’m sorry” to know the argument it over. This is a total joke wonderful wife. I shouldn’t of use this in my blog. You’re right, I’m sorry. That ends number eleven.
11.73 This has to be the strangest one of them all. After purchasing something at a department store, with a credit card only, I will return the pen to its home then I have to take my hand and ….

11.73 things I wish I could go back and change

We all have things we wish we could change in life. It is impossible to change them and yet somehow these things have made me who I am and what I do, but still. When things are quiet and my mind has pulled into a rest stop of life to relieve itself, one of these things will pop up. It’s like that chunk of fat you didn’t see that burst to the surface while your stew is brewing. This is hard for me to write but I know we all have events like this in our life. Here we go with the 11.73 things I wish I could go back and change.

1. At age 8 I faked getting saved at a church service just so I could be first in line at the pot luck. Everyone kept patting me on the back, congratulating me, saying how happy they were. I walked to the front like some type of little prince and never went back to that church.

2. At age 15, my folks, sister and her two kids and my two nephews were traveling in a motor home for two weeks going all around Southern California and San Fran. The 8 of us started out at Sea World then Disney Land, Knott’s Berry Farm and would end our trip in San Francisco at Pier 39. We were all done with each other by day 8. I couldn’t take it any more. My mom started barking out orders in San Fran and I mouthed to her “F**K You!” She looked shock, understandable, and told me to go. I walked all around happily that day and said I was sorry then I saw her. I acted like I had a bad day but it was really a great time. Not only did I drop the king of all cuss words on my mom, I also lied to her about not having a good day.

3. Ate age 18 I broke up with a girl over the phone. I wish I could have told her face to face.

4. A co-worker TOLD me not to share a secret about them quitting to our new boss. He shared this in total confidence and I swore I wouldn’t share it. Just as the words were hanging in the air, “I won’t mention this to anyone,” our new boss turned the corner and said, what are we talking about? I panicked and my mouth started moving prior to my brain governing it. I said, “Mark here was just saying how he is going to be moving on soon.” I turned to see Mark’s face hit the floor. Get this, Mark , later that day, had to drive me two hours to a conference, it was a quiet drive and he barely stopped to let me out of the car. We never spoke again. I hate this event.

5. When we were married our day was beautiful yet it must have been close to 110 degrees outside. By the end of the lunch I was done and wanted to leave. We were honeymooning at the beach in San Diego. Before we walked out to the car, where the rice throwers were waiting, I changed into my shorts, yet my wonderful bride was still in her white dress. The photos from that point look bad.

6. Right around age 22 I was speaking with this really heavy girl and some of her friends. She made the comment, “I just have big bones.” Again prior to my brain filtering the words coming out of my mouth I said, “Yea and you have a lot of meat wrapped around those bones.” No one broke a smile and the girl just turned and walked away. Several years later she was fairly thin. (If you are the girl I said this to, again, I’m sorry)

7. When my son David was around 7 he was eating everything with his hands. The problem is he would use his shirt or pants as a napkin. This had been going on for weeks. This one day we were in a hurry and things weren’t going well to get out the door. David wanted something to eat and I gave it to him along with a fork. I come back to find him eating with his hand. I screamed, “USE THE DAMN FORK” and wrapped his tiny little fingers around the fork and made him stab his hot dog. He started to cry. Yes I did apologize for that.

8. For some reason when someone cries it starts a reaction in me to laugh. You can see how this in an inappropriate response to crying. The last time this happen was at my Dad’s funeral and my mom started to cry when I was speaking. I quickly had to make a joke so I wouldn’t bust up. I hate that reaction in me.

9. One night, after working with some kids, I was tired and super hungry. I drove through a Taco Bell and purchased two tacos. While driving home I dropped one of the hot sauce packets on the floor board. When I reached down to get it that was the moment I hit this big dog. I slowed way down to see him go into his yard and lay down crying, with a broken back leg. I opened the packed of hot sauce, took a bit of my taco and drove home. I should have talked with the dog’s owner.

10. Once when I was traveling I stayed that this SUPER fancy hotel in Miami. I went to dinner that night and had everything from a fancy appetizer to a mouth-watering dessert. When the 150+ bill came the waiter asked me if I wanted to charge it to the room. I said yes and he asked me my room number. I said 318, when he came back he said here you go Mr. so and so. It wasn’t my last name. I filled out the card, left a generous tip and walked away. My room was 316 right across the hall way from Mr. so and so. I should have gone back and corrected it.

11. There was this one day I was so mad at Brooke. I took here by her shoulders, looked her right in the eye and in the middle of a huge department store I said, “You have ruined this entire day!” I did apologize to her later that day but I know it left a lasting impression on her.

11.73 One day I answered my phone to hear my wife crying uncontrollably on the other end. I asked her what was wrong and she unraveled a story that made my soul burn. Someone did something to my amazing wife, THERE WILL BE BLOOD. About two weeks later I called this pers…..

Caterpillars must become butterflies

Yard day! About every 3 months or so I order the family to head outside and help clean up the back yard. No fun, no fun at all. We have to trim trees, pick up dog poop, rake and mow the lawn, you know the drill. The last job we had today was taking some big limbs to the dumpster about 3.78 miles from the house. During that ride Brooke, who went with me, and I had a funny short conversation that has turned into my next blog. She asked “How do caterpillars know that they are suppose to turn into butterflies?” So here is 11.73 conversations that happen just prior to butterfly hood.

1. My back is hurting and I have some kind of growth happening.
2. I am so tired of crawling around, I feel like crawling into a sleeping bag for a few weeks.
3. Did you see what happen to Danny the other day, he sprouted wings, I want wings too. Wings, what are wings? Those things on Danny’s back, look there he goes now. Oh those, I though they were called Microchiroptera! Yea, you could call them that too, Don’t talk to me any more, Bill.
4. I heard that hanging upside down was good for back pain, give it a shot.
5. I’ve heard that humans go through this crazy little thing call puberty, I’m so glad nothing like that happens to me!
6. Last night, in the dark, I accidentally crawled across a huge pile of dog poop, I guess there is no way around that problem.
7. If I had wings, so help me I would fly straight into a car’s windshield and show them who’s the boss!
8. HEY DANNY, BILL AND I WANT TO KNOW WHERE DID YOU GOT THOSE MICROCHIROPTERAS!
9. Oh Billy, what are you doing in the bathroom for so long, turn the water off and come out right now!
10. Hey man you should get into a cocoon, all the cool caterpillars are doing it. You are cool, aren’t ya?
11. Wow my mom was right! She said if I keep that up I was going to grow wings.

11.73 COME ON DANNY, STOP SCREWING AROUND AND PU……

Ice cubes

I have the best time talking to my daughter. We can make up stuff on the fly and have long discussions about what things are saying to each other. For example, what the toaster is saying to the bread, what two birds are saying to each other on a telephone pole or what two trees think when their branches touch. Whenever I take her to school I make sure the radio is off because anything we talk about is way better then what the morning breakfast club has to say. Today I would like to tell you the 11.73 things ice cubes are thinking or saying as they are melting. (A portion of this was taken from a conversation my daughter and I had over the summer.)

1. Do I look thinner? I feel thinner. No, really, am I getting smaller or is it my imagination? I swear I feel like I’m getting thinner. This belt didn’t fit me earlier but now it does.
2. I think later today I am going to see a doctor, I feel kind of warm.
3. Man, I thought being separated in that blue tray was bad, this stinks standing on Eddie’s head.
4. I remember my water days, things weren’t so bad. I’m looking forward to going back to them.
5. Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together. This is not a time to be thinking crazy.
6. God, if you are up there and can get me out of this heat, I promise I will never insult those light weight meals I as sitting next to again…ever.
7. I wonder if any fictional Witch like character from a movie released in 1939 ever went through anything this bad.
8. If I can get one person to step on me and fall, I will feel like I didn’t live my life in vein.
9. I’m telling you I know I’m getting thinner. Just look at me, I LOOK THINNER!
10. I know my brother was carved into a swan, eagle or something noble like that but sitting here in this Margarita is the only way to go.
11. Must….write….note…before…I….go. Can’t….leave….small… puddle….like…Derick….did…
11.73. Look at me, I am really getting thi….

11.73 snottiest, stuck up letters in the alphabet.

One thing that really gets under my skin is when people act like they are so much better than you. The term for that is according to my 12 yr old daughter is uppity, my 15 year old son calls it being a stuck up. According to my wife it is called being snooty. I would call it being conceited. You get the idea. While I started to think maybe this happens in the world of English letters. So here is my list of the top 11.73 snottiest, stuck up conceited letters in the alphabet.

1. “A” of course because it is first like in the word Alpha.
2. “F” because it can spell the mother of all dirty words, just saying you F gets your point across.
3. “T” because it gets used so much in so many words.
4. “E” is used to help out other letters being that it is a vowel.
5. “M” spells words like Mob, Metal, Mission and Mean. So “M” tries to push the other letters around.
6. “S” thinks he is all that and a bag of chips. Like the word chip is just one, add an “S” now you have many chips.
7. “G” & “Y” when they are together because they end so many important terms such as Sociology, antilogy, antitechnology, apology, bacteriology, bilgy campanology, cardiology, immunohematology, immunology. You get the idea.
8. “Z” because it doesn’t lend itself to many words. Even when you see a commercial or printed add for the steak house know as sizzler, the Z’s are always bigger…jerk!
9. “W” is up there but at least “W” is able to hang with the with the normal letters.
10. “P” thinks it’s poop don’t stick because when you sing the alphabet song you kind of take a breath right there. You would really punch that letter as you continued singing the rest of the song. Are you singing it now?
11.73 “N” starts one of the wors….

Please don’t get me started on the inter workings of punctuations. There is that letter “S” again.